What It’s Like On The Other Side

I’ve been back from Australia for almost three weeks now but I haven’t really said much about it on here since my return. I needed to allow time for my body and brain to catch up with everything that has happened in the last three months. It’s been a bit like a computer having a programme running in the background that drains the power and slows things down.

Whilst I was away life was really full-on. For six weeks I was dashing around doing the sightseeing, touristy bit; meeting and getting to know Nick, Donata, Zio Mimi, Zia Ida and numerous other relations; learning about my new family; worrying about how my sister, Maria, was coping with it all; keeping in close contact with Peter; trying to ring other family in the UK regularly; writing my blog and hearing lots of stuff about my father. And, oh my goodness, what ‘stuff’ there was to hear! That was a real biggie.
I don’t intend to share the things I heard about Luigi, but, believe me, it took a lot of listening to. They say that truth is stranger than fiction and, boy, it certainly was!

When I was growing up, in common with many children of divorced parents, I thought my father (the absent parent) was absolutely wonderful. I had no actual memories of him, just a very tenuous link from another memory. I dreamed of how life would have been if I had grown up with him being around all the time. In adult life, over the years, my feelings about him gradually changed to what was probably a more realistic perspective. That shift definitely helped me to cope with what I have been told about him and things he said and did, the pain he has caused.

At the moment, I have no reason to feel or be proud of my father. I feel no love for him. I’m not sure I even like him. I don’t dislike him, but I really don’t know if I actually like him. I certainly have no respect for him. And that is sad, inestimably sad.

I promise that I’m not the hard-hearted b***h that I sound – at least, I don’t believe or feel that I am and I certainly hope that I’m not. Everything I know about him is what I have been told by other people. I have heard happy memories from some people about him but the good stuff isn’t enough to counterbalance the bad, at least at the moment. For the time being, I can’t help feeling judgemental about him. I usually try not to be judgemental (I don’t always succeed), but when feelings are involved, things are very different. My opinion of him may change, I simply don’t know. In some ways, I hope it does change as it’s not pleasant knowing that one has such a negative view of one’s own father.

As well as coping with all things “father”, there have been loads of other issues that have surfaced – some old, others new – many of which have been, and are, challenging. In view of the fact that depression and anxiety are my constant companions, I’m giving myself a huge pat on the back for the way in which I am managing my condition, plus I am very grateful to my GP, Dr. Azeer for his ongoing help and support.


2 thoughts on “What It’s Like On The Other Side

  1. As they say you can't pick your relatives! Although it sounds as if you have found some lovely ones on your trip. It's all been such a whirlwind recently and u will need time to yourself now to sort out all your thoughts and feelings. Don't be too hard on yourself and try to keep the depression at bay – glad to hear you have good support.
    Just think how many good things have come from your trip. Keep well.


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