I’ve been back from Australia for almost three weeks now but I haven’t really said much about it on here since my return. I needed to allow time for my body and brain to catch up with everything that has happened in the last three months. It’s been a bit like a computer having a programme running in the background that drains the power and slows things down.
When I was growing up, in common with many children of divorced parents, I thought my father (the absent parent) was absolutely wonderful. I had no actual memories of him, just a very tenuous link from another memory. I dreamed of how life would have been if I had grown up with him being around all the time. In adult life, over the years, my feelings about him gradually changed to what was probably a more realistic perspective. That shift definitely helped me to cope with what I have been told about him and things he said and did, the pain he has caused.
At the moment, I have no reason to feel or be proud of my father. I feel no love for him. I’m not sure I even like him. I don’t dislike him, but I really don’t know if I actually like him. I certainly have no respect for him. And that is sad, inestimably sad.
I promise that I’m not the hard-hearted b***h that I sound – at least, I don’t believe or feel that I am and I certainly hope that I’m not. Everything I know about him is what I have been told by other people. I have heard happy memories from some people about him but the good stuff isn’t enough to counterbalance the bad, at least at the moment. For the time being, I can’t help feeling judgemental about him. I usually try not to be judgemental (I don’t always succeed), but when feelings are involved, things are very different. My opinion of him may change, I simply don’t know. In some ways, I hope it does change as it’s not pleasant knowing that one has such a negative view of one’s own father.
As well as coping with all things “father”, there have been loads of other issues that have surfaced – some old, others new – many of which have been, and are, challenging. In view of the fact that depression and anxiety are my constant companions, I’m giving myself a huge pat on the back for the way in which I am managing my condition, plus I am very grateful to my GP, Dr. Azeer for his ongoing help and support.